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EXPLORE NEXT STEPSCommunication is a key part of any relationship, but when talking about conflict or charged topics, it can be difficult to get one’s point across without starting an argument. However, there is a helpful tool that can be used to diffuse situations and keep conversations civil and productive— “I” statements .
Often employed in therapy settings, “I” statements help to place emphasis on the feelings of the person speaking without blaming or shaming the person they’re talking to. This helps to prevent defensiveness and bickering, allowing the parties to come together and hear each other’s side of the story.
An “I” statement, also known as an “I feel” statement or “I” message, is a communication strategy that focuses on an individual’s feelings, actions, and beliefs, rather than the actions of the person receiving their message, through the use of clear, assertive first-person statements starting with “I” (rather than “you”). They are used to promote understanding and reduce negative expressions such as blame, accusations, criticism , or defensiveness when discussing issues in or about a relationship .
“I” statements are less accusatory, and by avoiding any blaming or defensiveness, they allow for the actual issue at hand to be addressed.
“I” statements are very beneficial, and though they aren’t necessarily the solution, they can make it easier to find solutions. For example, “I” statements help with the clarity of each person’s position and establish a basis of reality to work from, but they don’t actually solve the problem—they just help the discussion along as the parties involved come to their own solution.
In its most basic form, an “I” statement would be something like, “I feel [feeling word] when [problem behavior] occurs.” For example: “I feel lonely and sad when you don’t spend time with me.” This is a first-person way of talking about an issue between two or more people.
If one were to say it differently, focusing on the actions of the other person, it might sound something like, “You make me feel lonely and sad when you spend time with your other friends without me.” This statement, while it may not be incorrect, can make the person on its receiving end feel defensive and shamed, while the previous “I” statement focuses less on blaming the person’s actions and more on the feelings that arise when that action occurs.
However, it’s important to point out that “I” statements can quickly become passively accusatory when “you” is added to the statements on a technicality, such as “ I feel like you can be disrespectful.” Just because a statement starts with “I” doesn’t mean that it’s an “I” statement—it needs to be primarily focused on the emotions of the person speaking and the actual action taking place, not an interpretation of the action.
You can use “I” statements for self-expression and to promote effective communication in relationships by telling others how you feel about a situation, explaining how a situation affected you, taking responsibility for your behavior, explaining your perspective or rationale, setting clear boundaries, and voicing what you want.
“I” statements are a useful communication tool for conflict resolution within relationships, as they help to clarify the problem and allow the other person an opportunity to take responsibility for their behavior without placing direct blame.
To help them communicate more effectively, therapists often encourage their clients to use “I” statements. This is especially common in marriage and couples counseling alike, as couples can easily get into a harmful cycle of blaming each other instead of understanding each other and getting to the root of the problem. Using “I” statements, especially in therapy, helps couples work through their differences in an effective manner and prevents further harm from being done to the relationship.
“I” statements can also prove effective in family counseling , as they bring the focus to individual family members’ feelings related to another’s actions, rather than on the action itself. They allow all members to express how they feel and better understand how one another’s actions negatively affect the other individuals in the group.
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